Day 10: Stretching (the one I need help with)

Today, I am bone tired, soul tired, heart tired exhausted

This post will be more personal, as writing helps me in dealing with my emotions, and I really need to stretch my mind and my heart in an efficient way.

I have just learnt that my father’s health was “not at its best”, to put it like an Englishman. It came as a shock as he had never been sick before. He has to undergo a long series of tests over the next 2 weeks before we find out what can be done.

And while I am supposed to be the strong one of the family (after all I am the eldest child and I am the yoga teacher), I am totally devastated and I can’t spend 2 hours without crying. I wish I could just be thankful for all the extra days and just live the moment but I just can’t yet. I sometimes feel I am drawing into an ocean of sadness and numbness.

When my usual “Emotions Routine” is not enough

I am an emotions scientist. I love to understand them to regulate them. Those days I came to acknowledge the feelings of sadness and worry and understand them.

I know how to breath so I can calm my mind. But it takes time those days. Everything seems to be on slow mo.

I journaled about my feelings, I did some yoga. But stretching just made things worse. It seemed as I was tearing my body and my feelings. Crying was becoming totally out of control.

The overstretched years of Covid

Over the last days I also realized how the Covid years had affected me emotionally and psychologically.

We spent the longest lockdowns in Hanoi and I was so busy with the homeschooling, having all my focus and energy on my family wellbeing that I totally forgot to check on myself. Same story this time mask free when we had to move to France and start all over, me near Paris with the kids and my husband commuting on weekends from Switzerland. House and job searching on top of the other stresses.

For years, I have been navigating with only a couple of drops of energy left. I ignored the tiredness because I couldn’t see any plan B. I was in total tunnel vision, always reacting instead of doing. Everything was on the top of my list and my emotional boat was losing his sails. The news of my Dad’s health was the ultimate storm that sent it wreckage sunken to the bottom of the sea.

Getting help to be able to be of service again

Today I sent a message to my best friends who have been there, who experienced bits of depression, burn out and whose parents suddenly got sick. I just told them I was looking for alternatives to shrinks and if they had any feedback to share.

I immediately felt less isolated, and much better when I got the replies.

On Monday I ll have my first appointment ever with a kinesiologist. First step towards a better me…


2 thoughts on “Day 10: Stretching (the one I need help with)

  1. I’m so sorry to read this. I wish I had some good answers for you because then I would know how to take care of myself also! The encouraging thing I can say is that sometimes these health scares in older people eventually pass. My mother (now almost 90) has had several very big scares, and my 91-yo dad has one going on now. I am the oldest also, and I felt so responsible for everyone – my parents, my grown kids, new grandbabies, my husband, and I let all my own joy and wellbeing fade away. Now I have learned to ask my siblings for help and to draw boundaries on how much time I can use taking care of others. It feels selfish, but it’s not. Only when YOU are mentally and physically healthy can you truly care for others.

    1. Thanks so mucj Lexxie for your kind words, and yes you are so so right! How weird is it that we still consider the vital “me time” as “selfish”… time to change that and wish you were living closer, would have opened a nice bottle of red wine to seal this resolution. Take good care of yourself my dear ! xxx
      (can’t believe you are already a grand mother 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s