Today, I am bone tired, soul tired, heart tired exhausted
This post will be more personal, as writing helps me in dealing with my emotions, and I really need to stretch my mind and my heart in an efficient way.
I have just learnt that my father’s health was “not at its best”, to put it like an Englishman. It came as a shock as he had never been sick before. He has to undergo a long series of tests over the next 2 weeks before we find out what can be done.
And while I am supposed to be the strong one of the family (after all I am the eldest child and I am the yoga teacher), I am totally devastated and I can’t spend 2 hours without crying. I wish I could just be thankful for all the extra days and just live the moment but I just can’t yet. I sometimes feel I am drawing into an ocean of sadness and numbness.
When my usual “Emotions Routine” is not enough
I am an emotions scientist. I love to understand them to regulate them. Those days I came to acknowledge the feelings of sadness and worry and understand them.
I know how to breath so I can calm my mind. But it takes time those days. Everything seems to be on slow mo.
I journaled about my feelings, I did some yoga. But stretching just made things worse. It seemed as I was tearing my body and my feelings. Crying was becoming totally out of control.
The overstretched years of Covid
Over the last days I also realized how the Covid years had affected me emotionally and psychologically.
We spent the longest lockdowns in Hanoi and I was so busy with the homeschooling, having all my focus and energy on my family wellbeing that I totally forgot to check on myself. Same story this time mask free when we had to move to France and start all over, me near Paris with the kids and my husband commuting on weekends from Switzerland. House and job searching on top of the other stresses.
For years, I have been navigating with only a couple of drops of energy left. I ignored the tiredness because I couldn’t see any plan B. I was in total tunnel vision, always reacting instead of doing. Everything was on the top of my list and my emotional boat was losing his sails. The news of my Dad’s health was the ultimate storm that sent it wreckage sunken to the bottom of the sea.
Getting help to be able to be of service again
Today I sent a message to my best friends who have been there, who experienced bits of depression, burn out and whose parents suddenly got sick. I just told them I was looking for alternatives to shrinks and if they had any feedback to share.
I immediately felt less isolated, and much better when I got the replies.
On Monday I ll have my first appointment ever with a kinesiologist. First step towards a better me…